If Trump Declared Martial Law The Same Way He Imposed Tariffs...

On April 20th, in yet another unprecedented move that Democrats strongly disagreed with, Donald Trump declared martial law in the United States.

“This is a GREAT DAY for our country,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “We’re not going to let anyone go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING anymore! And if you DON’T LIKE it, guess what!? REPORT to PRISON IMMEDIATELY.”

At first, the stock market soared, led by a jump in private prison stocks and defense contractors. Then it slumped after Americans stopped showing up at their jobs. Anyone who wasn’t protesting or being arrested stayed home and doomscrolled. Columnists for The Washington Post and The New York Times wrote, “Are Americans using martial law as an excuse to skip work?”

During a briefing, Trump’s press secretary Karoline Leavitt defended the bold move, insisting it was for the country’s own good.

“So where can Americans go?” asked one reporter.

“Didn’t you read the declaration?” Leavitt said. “You can’t go anywhere. That’s probably the dumbest question I’ve ever heard.”

“But we came to this press briefing,” said another reporter. “Like, we got in our cars and drove here. Nobody tried to stop us.”

“You could’ve just stayed quiet,” sighed Leavitt. “Now we have to lock ya’ll in here to set an example for everyone else.”

A reporter raised their hand. “Can I go to the bathroom first?”

“Yes,” clarified Leavitt. “As long as you promise to come right back.”

"I promise,” said the reporter.

They did not come back.

We’re bringing occasional satire back to this publication. Now we have a few recurring columns, between practical prepping advice, book lists, and news roundups. I used to write satire pretty often. If nothing else, it’s good for our mental health to find the glints of dark humor in today’s events, without making light of them. The kind of satire I write is Swiftian, and while it aims to bring a smirk, it’s not for the faint of heart.